Now, let's see. I have no job, no income, and no significant other. I can't even begin to describe how it is that I'm feeling at the moment. And the reason behind this is that what I am feeling is such a jumble of emotions that I can hardly feel motivated to do anything!

Ok, well number one on the list: I need to feel intimate with some nice girl. Preferably someone with a nice open face, who realises that the world is what it is.

Number two: I need to figure out what it is that i'm trying to discover within myself with regards to all this reading on Buddhism and (supposed) practising of OBE's.

Number three: Need a job (Although I think this is one of the more urgent ones, this is more of an emotions list and not a financial needs list).

Subconcsious... if you are listening, I would really like to have a chat about number two. Seeing as I think I have one and three covered, or at least I can handle them on my own.
- posted by christian @ 8:50 PM

 
The following happened today:

Right, so there I am at work. Waiting for the phone to ring so that I have something to do. And it rings. Now... normally I say this:

"Hello Special Education, Christian Speaking how can I help you?".

Now obviously at the time I was wanting to say:

"Hello Special Education, Christian Speaking can I take a message for you?".

What actually came out was this:

"Hello Special Education, Christian Speaking how can I take you?".

It was immediately apparent that the guy on the other side was at the same time unimpressed and laughing hilariously on the inside.


It's so difficult being me.
- posted by christian @ 7:33 PM

 
well I've had a couple to drink (literally). I'm at home and bored senseless. Really wish P or C were areound. But no. Wish I had a job, even more wish I had a job skiing with some good friends no more than an arms reach away. I know theyre there already, but I just feel so crappy at the mo. Oh well. C,est la vie, n'est ce pas?
- posted by christian @ 11:02 PM

 
You know... I had a bit of an insight today. I figured out that our dreams are only reflections of how we feel about something, and sometimes they reveal to us something that our conscious mind does not want to reveal to itself. That is what dreams are for. However, this means that they don't really carry any important content beyond addressing immediate emotional balance.


- posted by christian @ 11:32 PM

 
I was speaking on the phone with someone with whom I have issues. The history with this person is long and tortuous for me. In the same way that a jogger who runs on a road, and sees the challenge it poses for him and him alone, and has been put in a race car to finish this challenge in under two minutes. Well... I am the runner and she was the driver. And I keep on finding that I am unable to look at any other roads, because I am too preoccupied thinking of the road that I screwed up, even though I was only along for a ride in a car.

And that... is the best I am going to be able to describe it.
- posted by christian @ 8:05 PM

 
And so it is. It's been on my mind for a while. Ive been thinking about my experiences and how I relate to them, and how I can define them. What I'm trying to relate here is how we think and perceive knowledge itself As far as I can figure there are different levels of knowing, or attachment to an idea or fact.

Supposition - Learning - Experience - Knowledge - Awareness - Truth.

One by one:

Supposition:

• Where a person describes a feeling to himself, without having experienced the feeling itself.

Learning:

• The experiencer learns facts that possibly relate to the idea-event. Things that they had not known about before, that they were now told to learn. The feeling of the experience changes to accomodate the new facts.

Experience:

• This is the actual moment, there is a already a huge difference in between the experiencers 'perceived' moment when only supposing and the actual moment.

Awareness:

• Closely with the experience comes an immediate awareness of the new sensation and how it relates directly to how it makes the experiencer feel.

Truth:

• This is completely indescribable.

I'm still mixed up about this... gonna have to think on it some more.

- posted by christian @ 8:45 PM

 
I wonder why it is that I have a dream about swiming in the sea, I always have a fear of sharks that will eat me. The same is not true in real life. I guess its possible to read further between the lines. It's possible that its not a fear of sharks that will eat me, but rather a fear of what I can't perceive. I know that if the dream had been played out in open ocean, I would not have even gone in the water. And the reason for that is the this: that the great depths beneath me give me the willies. I don't know if it's a case of ' I don't know what's down there', or even if its a case of 'what's going to eat me'. I feel it's more a case of a fear of the unkown.

If we go back to the earlier shark dream. Am I afraid of the shark itself? No. Am I afraid of being eaten by the shark? No. I don't really know how to interpret this. Although I am sure that one day this will be resolved.
- posted by christian @ 9:07 PM