Page One

Frustration

2004-01-05T20:50:00.000Z

Now, let's see. I have no job, no income, and no significant other. I can't even begin to describe how it is that I'm feeling at the moment. And the reason behind this is that what I am feeling is such a jumble of emotions that I can hardly feel motivated to do anything!

Ok, well number one on the list: I need to feel intimate with some nice girl. Preferably someone with a nice open face, who realises that the world is what it is.

Number two: I need to figure out what it is that i'm trying to discover within myself with regards to all this reading on Buddhism and (supposed) practising of OBE's.

Number three: Need a job (Although I think this is one of the more urgent ones, this is more of an emotions list and not a financial needs list).

Subconcsious... if you are listening, I would really like to have a chat about number two. Seeing as I think I have one and three covered, or at least I can handle them on my own.

Funny??? Nope... Embarassing.

2003-12-01T19:33:00.000Z

The following happened today:

Right, so there I am at work. Waiting for the phone to ring so that I have something to do. And it rings. Now... normally I say this:

"Hello Special Education, Christian Speaking how can I help you?".

Now obviously at the time I was wanting to say:

"Hello Special Education, Christian Speaking can I take a message for you?".

What actually came out was this:

"Hello Special Education, Christian Speaking how can I take you?".

It was immediately apparent that the guy on the other side was at the same time unimpressed and laughing hilariously on the inside.

It's so difficult being me.

slightly drunnk.

2003-11-18T23:02:00.000Z

well I've had a couple to drink (literally). I'm at home and bored senseless. Really wish P or C were areound. But no. Wish I had a job, even more wish I had a job skiing with some good friends no more than an arms reach away. I know theyre there already, but I just feel so crappy at the mo. Oh well. C,est la vie, n'est ce pas?

Dream Meanings?

2003-11-15T23:32:00.000Z

You know... I had a bit of an insight today. I figured out that our dreams are only reflections of how we feel about something, and sometimes they reveal to us something that our conscious mind does not want to reveal to itself. That is what dreams are for. However, this means that they don't really carry any important content beyond addressing immediate emotional balance.

Going nuts??

2003-10-30T20:05:00.000Z

I was speaking on the phone with someone with whom I have issues. The history with this person is long and tortuous for me. In the same way that a jogger who runs on a road, and sees the challenge it poses for him and him alone, and has been put in a race car to finish this challenge in under two minutes. Well... I am the runner and she was the driver. And I keep on finding that I am unable to look at any other roads, because I am too preoccupied thinking of the road that I screwed up, even though I was only along for a ride in a car.

And that... is the best I am going to be able to describe it.

Something on my mind.

2003-10-21T20:45:00.000Z

And so it is. It's been on my mind for a while. Ive been thinking about my experiences and how I relate to them, and how I can define them. What I'm trying to relate here is how we think and perceive knowledge itself As far as I can figure there are different levels of knowing, or attachment to an idea or fact.

Supposition - Learning - Experience - Knowledge - Awareness - Truth.

One by one:

Where a person describes a feeling to himself, without having experienced the feeling itself.

The experiencer learns facts that possibly relate to the idea-event. Things that they had not known about before, that they were now told to learn. The feeling of the experience changes to accomodate the new facts.

This is the actual moment, there is a already a huge difference in between the experiencers 'perceived' moment when only supposing and the actual moment.

Closely with the experience comes an immediate awareness of the new sensation and how it relates directly to how it makes the experiencer feel.

This is completely indescribable.

I'm still mixed up about this... gonna have to think on it some more.

Fear in Dreams

2003-10-19T21:07:00.000Z

I wonder why it is that I have a dream about swiming in the sea, I always have a fear of sharks that will eat me. The same is not true in real life. I guess its possible to read further between the lines. It's possible that its not a fear of sharks that will eat me, but rather a fear of what I can't perceive. I know that if the dream had been played out in open ocean, I would not have even gone in the water. And the reason for that is the this: that the great depths beneath me give me the willies. I don't know if it's a case of ' I don't know what's down there', or even if its a case of 'what's going to eat me'. I feel it's more a case of a fear of the unkown.

If we go back to the earlier shark dream. Am I afraid of the shark itself? No. Am I afraid of being eaten by the shark? No. I don't really know how to interpret this. Although I am sure that one day this will be resolved.

Sychronicitous Event.

2003-10-09T20:51:00.000Z

Well... There I was sitting in the bath. Reading about the exloits of Glod Glodsson in Terry Pratchets 'Soul Music', when I stared at the paper on which the book is printed, and thought to myself "I like this paper, it's nice paper". This nice paper made words appear more solid to the reader. I was wondering if my words would ever be solid like the words in front of me were guilty of being. This thought flowed on to another one which was essentialy the subject matter of what I was to write. I had decided perhaps a short story on a classic OBE, labelling all the different states of consciousness, and the sensations (or lack thereof) that I would be experienceing.

So I got out of the bath and logged on to Out of Body and lo and behold I've been sent a sneak preview of a piece of work that someone was going to post tomorrow morning!! And there on the page was a short story on a classic OBE, labelling...

Style???

2003-10-06T09:56:00.000Z

Note to self... Improve writing style. Write as if a small audience were reading. Think 'Inside' the box christian!!!

Forgive and Forget??? Just learn...

2003-09-25T10:57:00.000Z

Well, last night I had some cool dreams and some weird ones. One of the dreams I had involved K. Although I felt that she was visiting me in an OOB state. I was so annoyed at seeing her that I turned away. Later on today I thought.. "What if she's dead and she was trying to say goodbye?". The reasoning behind this was that this has happened before. Well it turns out she isnt. I think I have come to realise that as much hurt as we have caused each other, and wether we can forgive each other or not or even forget things. Each of us carries a part of the other.

Chakra Work

2003-09-13T10:16:00.000Z

Last night I tried opening my chakras again. So I drifted off a bit, after opening them up. And so when I open my eyes, I can see the ball of what essentially looks like different coloured tubes (very bright colours), descending towards me. Can't figure out what they are though. As close as I can figure it, it shows what a tangle my chakras are in. All the different colours representing one of the chakras.

p.s. I have been really quite ill recently. Snotty and headachy, and hurting all over.

2003-09-07T19:02:00.000Z

This morning and afternoon we went to Kingston and the Bentall center to go shopping. Within the center, I saw a chair that I would just love. I have been thinking about this chair all afternoon. About how I could use it and how I would use it. I decided that it would be my OOBing chair, to be placed in a room devoted to relaxation, no TV or games console or computer. Just books and CD's. I imagined it soundproofed with subtle lighting. And from that moment I've understood how important being quiet inside yourself is. Many of the things that I do are fraught with noise. Some passive, and others actively prevent me from finding this stillness within me.

2003-08-27T23:33:00.000Z

I would like to know why it is that I find it extraordinarily easy to see myself working at Bradfied college. I know that I didn't have an amazingly good time there, but I know that it is the best time that I did have. I visualise myself as some kind of self styled Dumbledore figure to all the students. Strange.

2003-08-26T18:01:00.000Z

I think I understand what the buddhists mean when they talk about mindfulness. I keep on encountering(gr?) situations where I find that because of the mood of other people I automatically absorb that mood. Because of this I find that any actions I take are actions that are being manipulated by the prevailing mood of the people around me.

Two examples:
1) Recently I was standing by trying to talk a guy out of jumping off a bridge when another man appeared. Everything was going fine until the jumper, jumped. The other man suddenly became panicky, and I myself found that because of this I became panicky. I believe that had that third man not been there I would have acted more calmly.

2) I was on an aeroplane with my brother his wife and my sister. My sister wants to swap places with me, but is unsure. I reply testily "Do you want to swap with me, or not?". I also believe that this was affected by the mood of the people around me, as we were holding up a rather large queue.

Mindfulness, is being able to -as it were- rise above a situation and see what is happening. In the second instance it is to see that people are indeed getting testy about me slowing them down. But it is more important to improve communication without letting the prevailing mood affect you completely.

2003-08-18T19:41:00.000Z

I was watching a program on Mt St Helens exploding. During a small part of the program, they aired the recorded voice of one of the people who got killed by the explosion. He was on his CB radio when the volcano exploded. He said words to the effect of 'It's going to get me too'. It really filled me with a sense of happiness and sadness. Happiness because life suddenly becomes so simple, and the difficulties slide away. And Sadness because you will be leaving all these people behind.

Later on I watched a rerun of Six Feet Under. This was the one where Nate has to go in for surgery to clear and embolism on the brain. It just made me think, that if I ever have a death where I am able to speak to people beforehand, I am going to have to be so strong for all of them, because they will not be ready for it. And on top of that, I'm going to have to ready myself for such an occasion.

This is getting far too maudlin.

Someone help me understand all this... argh.

2003-08-02T22:35:00.000Z

I have just finished watching the Animatrix. I feel that it deals with a question that is on my mind a lot recently.

What is reality?

Well, first of all reality is what we perceive it to be. However, there are things that can bend this reality. Things like conditioned emotion, or lack thereof. Group emotion having an effect on you. Assumption or pre-conceptions of the state of something before you encounter it.

I feel that there are so many people that only focus on the physical world, that they forget to train their minds to perceive everything else.

So I find myself trying to rid my mind of all these conditioned reactions, and only to live, or rather experience, the now. Experiencing the now as opposed to the thing that I want the future to become, when it gets to me.

I really hope that I will manage to free myself from only observing the purely physical. In this statement I mean to say that I wish to use intuition, and experience (not perceive) the rest of the universe.

2003-07-30T20:23:00.000Z

I feel that there is a door that I need to be going through (regarding life the universe and everything). The only problem is that I don't have the key yet, and I don't know when I will. I am sure however that I will achieve this door during this lifetime, I hope.

2003-07-20T21:02:00.000Z

Ok... I think I understand what meditation is. I was just reading a book entitled 'The art of relaxation , concentration and meditation'. In it it said that meditation can be incorporated into activities that we do. It was here that I understood that which I am trying to achieve is teh same as the 'zone' that sports players achieve. Where everything just clicks and there is no need to be thinking anymore. You are just being.

2003-07-19T03:58:00.000Z

Righ then. I was coming back from my holiday in Japan. When we were about to land in London. And guess what!!! I saw a UFO. It looked like a tennis ball floating in mid air, same yellow colour. Must have been larger though as it wasn't that close to the plane. Granted it could have been a weather balloon, but at 9000ft over central london??

For me the jury is out, while I want to believe in other worldy things, I still think it is more likely that it was a weather balloon.

2003-06-02T08:31:00.000Z

I was just remembering something that happened to me in Lebanon once. Whether a dream or real (and who is to say dreams arent real), I don't know. An article I was reading reminded me of it. Although I didn't have a similar outcome.

I was sleeping, when I woke up suddenly to find my bed surrounded by four or five greys (for those of you not in the know, the way aliens are portrayed in traditional film). The grey to my right put something into the skin of my right hand, between the bottom thumb joint and the bottom first finger joint. I recall waking up the next morning with what looked like a spider bite. I remeber showing my mother but she passed it off as 'a bad dream and a spider bite'.

Granted occams razor dictates that the spiders bite theory is more likely, but in this context occams razor only applies to the physical world as anything that is 'supernatural' is designated as such and therefore not a simple nor acceptable explanation.

2003-05-21T17:50:00.000Z

I feel that a lot of people equate culture shock with racism. One of the resons that a person might be scared of another person of a different colour is because of all the stories they might have heard. And the amazing thing is that these stories might be true and they might not.
However, it's important to notice that these differences in behaviours (which might be very deep seated) are because of culture, and not because of the colour of someones skin. The only reason we apply these differences to skin colour is because this is the most readily available discriminatory fact available to us. Many times the first thing that we see about a person is their skin and features. So if we had a friend with ginger hair that acted a bit crazy, every time we saw ginger hair we would think that person might be a bit crazy. The fact remains that I do think that all people with ginger hair are slightly crazy, and more importantly that I have only met two people with ginger hair. This also works with skin colour. So this takes me to think further. What would happen if there were a community of red hair only people. "Surely", he thought, "All of them are a little bit crazy".
However, now we are talking about whole communities of similar people. And so we apply these connective thoughts to the most readily seeable fact. Their skin. And so we apply it to the whole community. But surely not a whole community can be crazy.

2003-05-07T17:46:00.000Z

I started reading 'Sophies World' by Josteein Garder the other day, and so I wanted to know more about the philosophies of various philosophers (Plato, Aristotle etc...). And so I went to a website that had many of these guys and their salient points in archive format. Among them was a man named Carl Jung. I remembered having heard of him before but was not interested in what he had to say, even though I did'nt know what it was he was the author of. And so today I picked up fortean times out of the blue. Not knowing what was in there. Reading on, the article that was the most interesting for me was one that expounded the view of, guess who, Carl Jung. What was even more strange was that Carl Jung's main philosophy was on something he called synchronicity.
So I got the hint... I was present at to events which pointed towards Carl Jung and on top of that he was all about events like these. How can I go to sleep and not read what it is he has to say. I will order the books in fortean times, and add them to my growing 'Philosophy and Miscellaneous' section.

2003-05-06T16:41:00.000Z

I am convinced that I keep on dreaming of things that havent happened yet.. Like an image I see on a website for no more than two seconds. Weird.

2003-04-19T10:45:00.000Z

Three strange coincidences this morning....
Had a dream that a plane just blew up into lots of little pieces.
I was flipping on the channels on Sky and came across a film about a guy whose dreams became reality.
A friend told me of a story where she thought something bad, and it became true.

Today My brother and his wife fly home.
I will post later this afternoon when they arrive.

This is later on in the afternoon...
Theyre fine.

2003-04-16T20:46:00.000Z

Ok Heres a big what if for the skeptics.
What if the only thing that is stopping us from being enlightened beings, are the neuroses, doubts, conditionings that are the result of living. So once we get rid of these, once we learn that these things can be undone, we just are. Because there is nothing that has been built on our beings. We have ridden ourselves of these things.

Ta daa!!!

2003-04-15T16:48:00.000Z

Okay... I was thinking about what kind of things you need to do for an OBE to come about. I was reading 'A treatise on astral projection' by Robert Bruce, and I felt that many of the steps he points out are valid, and a hopeful OOBer should follow these steps.

Relaxation

Learn and Master a full body relaxation exercise.

Contemplation

Once the meditation has begun, the surface mind will be full of thoughts. If thoughts persist, deal with these thoughts before preceeding any further with the meditation. Turn these thoughts around and try and make the problems or issues they deal with, irrelevant.

Breath Awareness

Breath in imagining that the air you breathe is clean energy, while the air you breathe out is toxic and carries away any bad energies that you might be storing. Focus your entire attention on breathing in and out. This will push intruding thoughts away

Visualisation to enter a trance

Imagine you are moving down a ladder, on the in breath hold still. On the out breath move down a step. It is important to feel the imagined movement as opposed to visualising the ladder. The reason for this is that it is necessary to change you brain wave activity, and the falling effect provides this. A visualisation is not enough as it does not provide the sensations.

2003-04-14T13:13:00.000Z

Let the book find you...
1). in the book I underlined it
2). In the mail to John Edward.net
3). This morning again on the TV

2003-03-31T10:55:00.000Z

Testing...